Day one began with one of the most humiliating things that can happen to a person. During the morning role call, Darina (founder and head bitch in charge of the entire school, farm and Ballymaloe business empire) noticed I had not been present for orientation activities and asked me to stand in front of all 66 students and introduce myself. I think I would rather her have asked me to leave and and never come back. Yet another thing British Airways owes me compensation for.

She then asked what I was doing before coming here and I told her I worked at a bakery that specializes in English muffins. I only mention this because it will be relevant later.

The rest of the morning was spent taking a tour of the expansive grounds and gardens and me being reminded why I was such a massive teacher’s pet in school. During the tour, Darina kept having to stop and ask people to stop talking and I was immediately back in the 3rd grade feeling personally responsible when Mr. Deveney would yell at misbehaving boys for interrupting class. SORRY that I can only be me, and at my core I am a suck up who wants authority figures to think I’m “good” whatever good means to them

The afternoon we had our first demonstration which is when one of the head instructors cooks at us for 3-4 hours and we write notes and get hungry. We then get to taste everything as we will be expected to cook that ourselves the following morning.

That evening, two of my housemates and I set out on a mission to go for a dip in the ocean. Jessica is from Dublin and has a car so she drove us down to the local beach where we discovered one of the best things to ever happen - the local beach has public saunas!!

For only 10 euros you have 30 minutes to jump between the sauna and the ocean as many times as you want. Unbelievable stuff. Apparently this became a big thing in Ireland during Covid. All we got in America was political division and collective TikTok addiction and Ireland got wood powered Saunas?? Unfair.

The ocean was freezing but felt amazing and we all agreed that it was cleansing our souls and we would all have amazing karma afterwards.

We couldn’t have been more right because the moment we got back to the car I had a text that my checked luggage had been delivered to the school!! All of the things I needed for the following day had arrived! Chef whites! Shampoo! Underwear! I could not have been more pleased by the end of day 1.

And here is where I place a side story. The one not-amazing, not-magical thing to happen all day. During lunch, I picked a table at random to sit at because, have I mentioned, I missed the orientation events and had yet to meet anyone. When I sat down, a person next to me asked me what my favorite type of bread was. An innocuous “get to know you” style question considering we are a group of people who all decided to go to cooking school.

I said something about ciabatta or focaccia and they replied “oh cool, I just wanted you to know that english muffins are a D- Tier bread”. UM WHAT?!

First of all, since when is bread ranked in some alphabetical tier system, asshole? And secondly why would you say this to me?? You just watched me have to bare my soul to this entire program (read: say my name and say I make english muffins for a living) and now you are trying to bully me about the popular and acclaimed bakery I work at??? Watch out British Airways, a new enemy has entered the chat.

Day 2 was our first official day in the kitchens. There are three main kitchens that the students cook in and every week you are assigned a new partner and a new station in a kitchen. Every day, between you and your partner, you are responsible for cooking 4-5 dishes that have been assigned to you the night before. You and your partner then split those dishes up, usually with one person handling the starter and the dessert while the other does the main dish.

This first morning was just a brief lesson in knife skills, safety, etc. The instructor assigned to us was an Irish man named Tiffin who has worked in kitchens all over the world and is extremely cool and talented. Despite the fact that he probably would not care if I lived or die, I am now dedicating my life to impressing him.

obligatory embarrassing first day of school photo in my uniform

I also met my first cooking partner, an extremely nice young man from England whose age starts with a 1 and who is approximately 6’5”. Both his looks and his demeanor could not remind me more of a greyhound dog if he tried. I say that, of course, completely as a compliment.

That evening, Darina hosted a blackberry foraging walk to any students interested. My brain heard that as extra credit so of course I attended. There are wild blackberries all over the farm and Ireland. They are much smaller but very good.

The next morning was my first time going to the bread shed. Starting at 6:30am, any student can go to the breadshed to help make the bread that gets sold in the farm shop at the school and the bread for the restaurant at Balllymaloe House. They also help you make your own sourdough starter which is cool even considering my famous one-sided beef with the concept of sourdough. The people who run the bread shed are both previous students and they are extremely nice and cool. I’m sure I will be bothering them many mornings

My two dishes that day were potato and herb soup and fork cookies which I sandwiched with coffee buttercream. Yum to both! After class we went to the saunas again, who are we to resist the call of the ocean??

Thursday I made raspberry, red current, and sweet geranium jam and a chocolate and hazelnut pie. It also cemented my kitchen partner as the silliest goose in the pond when I asked him ‘do you think they put us together since both of our names start with P?’ and he replied ‘yes of course, we’re two P’s in a pod’. I could cry. The youth are alright.

You can see my grading booklet with the chocolate and hazelnut pie. When our instructor taste our dishes at the end of each session they grade us on a scale from 1-4 with 1 being michelin star worthy and 4 being we can’t even serve this at lunch. I feel I will be a 2 and 3 queen and I am very comfy with this fact.

Friday was all lectures, no time in the kitchen unfortunately. We learned basic things like fire safety and food hygiene. But in the afternoon we had our first of many wine lectures from the former Sommelier at Ballymaloe House. He is very charming and told us that when he won the Sommelier of the year in Ireland one year his son went to school and told his class that his dad had won smelliest man in Ireland. Close enough!.

Here are my housemates and the house I am staying in! I am the youngest by 6 years and I love them all. One week down - 11 to go!

Week 1: English Muffins are A-Tier Bread!

Weekend 1 - Pub Era Commences

Day Zero - British Airways Will Rue The Day!!!