Week 5 - Living, Laughing, Loving, SOS
Monday morning had such Monday morning energy. I woke up with crazy vertigo and then realized I was on salad duty which meant I only had 15 minutes to get across the farms to the green house to pick lettuce leaves in the dark. Somehow this did not cure my dizziness. I also hadn’t written my order of work the night before for no reason other than Sunday nights should never be for working if it can be helped. Which meant I needed to write that during assembly which was rude of me. Overall not my finest start.
But the good news was my partner this week, Iain, was an angel sent from above and weighed up some of my ingredients since I was on salad duty. Legend status. And before all of my friends, family and acquaintances text me to be like wow marry that man - he is happily married to a woman whose last name he took and they own and run a farm together in the Scottish highlands and are perfect. He is literally the prom king of this place and is beloved by the young and old, men and women alike.
To show my gratitude, I themed my pie in honor of our forced and assigned friendship. I put the letters P and I (Pam and Iain) on it but it also was Pi like Pie and also 3.14159. An amazing pun, joke, and tribute to teamwork if you ask me. If you ask my instructor for the week, French Leo (not to be confused with classmate child Leo) he would roll his eyes. Oh, I also made cabbage soup.
My friend Nicola had to make boiled bacon (Ireland you crazy for that one) and her piece had lots of hair on it and also a nipple that she had to extract. All gross enough before you even consider she is a pescatarian and doesn’t even eat pork!
Tuesday morning I went for a run (brag) and on my run I saw sheep laying down in a field! I though sheep were like horses and slept standing up. They were looking very magical in the mist indeed. The ocean and sunrise was also gorgeous, as evidenced by people climbing on to the bread shed to get the perfect shot.
In the kitchen that morning I made lamb stew and what was essentially kale baby food but our instructor described as a ‘very michelin-y style sauce’. More importantly my instructor gave me another lesson on sharpening knives. I fear it is all in vain as it is NOT coming naturally to me. Maybe someone should invent knives that just stay sharp? Someone contact Shark Tank about this novel idea.
That evening I had the extracurricular activity of butchering half of a lamb! With a saw! Poor lambchop singalong. It actually wasn’t as gross and gory as I feared it might be but there is something disconcerting about using the same bow saw that I would use to break down branches to break down, hypothetically, a femur. The instructor even made a comment on how naturally I handled a saw - father are you proud of me?? Not sure I have a career as a butcher or abattoir ahead of me but considering the amount of meat I eat on a weekly or even daily basis it feels like my karmic duty to know how the sausage gets made, quite literally. Content warning for meat ahead.
As per usual, Wednesday was a lecture day. The morning we covered all things coeliac disease and gluten free baking. The woman who was running it is a very accomplished chef and naturopath but unfortunately for most of the session all I could think about was this SNL sketch.
In the afternoon we went over to Ballymaloe House where we got a tour of the grounds and some of the hotel. Most notably we met the head farmer’s dog Jack. Jack is one of the few dogs I’ve gotten to interact with here in Ireland. Why does life torture me in this way?
Thursday I went on a run in the morning and have nothing to report about it other than another key thing about running here is that it is the only time in the godforsaken day I can listen to music. Ballymaloe doesn’t believe in playing music in the kitchens because they want us to “listen to the food,’ which I agree on in theory but in execution being in a kitchen without music is something I cannot abide by. Champagne problems, I know. Which just makes me think of Taylor Swift which makes me miss music again =(
In the kitchen that morning I made a spiced pear cake and mussels in the Goan style (curry broth). This might be the first day in five weeks that I genuinely believed both things I made were extremely good. It was also the first time I got a one (highest grade) which is embarrassing to admit because I’ve started to realize some people are getting ones on a daily basis. C’est la vie!!
In addition to the normal afternoon demonstrations, we had a fermentation lecture in the evening. We learned about water and milk kefir, kombucha, sauerkraut and all manner of vinegar adjacent things. I was on board until the instructor told us that the reason kombuchas taste different from one another is because the people who make them have different energies and auras and that flavors the kombucha. An interesting take, to be sure!
Friday is when the wheels came off in the kitchen for moi. I made poached salmon with hollandaise sauce, apple mint jelly, and scones. It was all fine enough but every task felt sisyphean. I couldn’t even take a picture of the salmon. I apologize to my loyal and rabid fanbase. To be fair, I also practiced french omelets and poaching eggs, both of which are on the list of possible techniques I could be asked to do on our exam next week.
Another week in paradise, albeit, a very exhausting paradise. We were warned by our instructors on Monday that Week 5 often feels like a slog for students and I didn’t heed their warning as I truly believed I was built different. I am not different, I am very much the same as everyone who has ever come before me. I think this picture that a classmate took of me during a literal 2 minute break sums it up best:
